


the air between

by ofhobbitsandwomen (litvirg)



Series: got a hold on me [7]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Coda, F/M, missing makeout, theres anger and kissing what else do u need
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 05:06:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9641891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/litvirg/pseuds/ofhobbitsandwomen
Summary: “We don’t all have the luxury of deciding when and where we want to care about something. Suddenly the Rebellion is real for you?” He took a step closer and her fingers curled into fists at her side. She felt the slick, sweaty skin of her palms tingle as the pads of her fingers pressed against them.“Some of us live it. I’ve been in this fight since I was six years old. You’re not the only one who lost everything.” He stopped then. A pause while his eyes roamed up and down, burning her face as they went. “Some of us just decided to do something about it.”Her arms snapped forward at that, knocking into him and he stumbled backwards, the backs of his shoulders knocking against the wall. It was instinct, one she probably should work on figuring out, but once she stepped forward into his space, she didn’t know what her next move was.





	

**Author's Note:**

> thank u crystal for naming my fic when my brain melted into goo

 

“You lied to me,” Jyn spat.

She shoved aside the part of her mind that told her it didn’t matter. Pushed it back into a corner with the other thought, the one creeping up asking her why it mattered so much that he lied.

Cassian didn’t answer to her. She wasn’t a part of the resistance. She wasn’t a rebel, she  didn’t owe any allegiance to the Alliance, and so Cassian didn’t owe any allegiance to her. But he had lied to her. About only guessing as to where her father was, about what he really was planning on doing when they found him. About why she needed to stay behind.

“You’re in shock,” he said.

Maybe if she had paid more attention she would have noticed his eyes give him away. She would have seen it every time she brought up her father. She would have seen him look away when she asked if Eadu was where her father was. When he explained why only Bodhi could go with him. When she made her plan to bring her father back to testify in front of the Alliance and all he did was duck his head.

Maybe she would have noticed that he’d all but told her before he climbed off the ship into the rain with Bodhi.

But it was out now. She was staring at him, finally, truly, seeing who he was. Exactly who he was.

And she couldn’t decide if it made her want to hurt him like he did to her, or figure out how it was so easy.

“You went up there to kill my father.”

Again he wouldn’t look at her. Again he ducked his head.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

A cruel trick or a poor distraction, she didn’t care what he said. Without her noticing, truth had started to matter to her more than it ever had. She’d had to face it as she sat across from Mon Mothma and watched her past get dredged up in front of her; she’d had to face it when she stood in front of Saw and realized the anger and fire burning inside her for the first time since he’d dumped her; she’d had to face it when the hologram of her father stood in front of her and told her he’d never forgotten her, never betrayed her like she thought he had.

It was just another bandaid to rip off, and she wasn’t leaving until they were all stripped blank.

“ _Deny_ it.”

Cassian glanced up at her for the briefest of moments then.

“You’re in shock,” he repeated. “And you’re looking for someplace to put it. I’ve seen it before—”

“I bet you have.” She took a breath but it didn’t calm her down. She could feel her pulse racing, throbbing beneath her skin and her whole body felt like it was coursing with shivers. “You lied about why we came here and you lied about why you went up alone.”

Cassian rounded on her, stepping closer with heavy eyes and ragged breathing. She could see his hair, wet from the soaking rain, dangling down onto his forehead, small bead of water dropping off one by one. She followed their path, watched as they splashed silently onto the ground before his boots as he came closer.

“I had every chance to pull the trigger, but did I?” It was a quiet, twitching rage. Coming in bursts, small but sharper with every step. He was steady, like the same words had been running around his head since he’d pulled her away from her father’s body. Old, tired words. She wondered what they really meant for him, when they slipped past his lips again.

“Did I?” Loud, booming, he spun around, turning away from her to look at Bodhi. Challenging or pleading, she couldn’t even tell anymore.

But her father was dead moments after he’d been brought back to life in front of her. And it didn’t matter if Cassian was the one who pulled the trigger or gave the order. He was the one that started it all for her. The one who brought her there, the one who pulled her away from Saw. The one who got her in the right place, _twice_ , to see her family die. Twice.

“You might as well have,” she said. “My father was living proof and you put him at risk. Those were Alliance bombs that killed him.”

“I had orders,” he snapped. “Orders that I _disobeyed_. But you wouldn’t understand that.”

He looked at her again then, his eyes dark and unforgiving.

He had known, she was sure, exactly how angry she would be when they got back. Had known she would have figured it out. He’d pulled her away from her father to bring her back to the ship so she could scream at him, rail against him, tell him she hated him, that she’d never trust him again, whatever it was she was trying to say now.  

Suddenly she felt as if the ground below her feet had slipped, and she wasn’t sure anymore what she was trying to say. Wasn’t sure if the rock in her belly was anger or grief, wasn’t sure what good it was to her anymore.

“Orders?” she asked, the laugh in her voice sounding more defeated than biting. “When you know they’re _wrong_? You might as well be a stormtrooper.”

He had let this happen, she reminded herself. He hadn’t pulled the trigger, perhaps. But he was the reason they were there.

She ignored the voice in the back of her head that whispered that that wasn’t quite true. That it was more complicated than that. She shoved it aside again, harder than the last time, and felt her own hands twitch by her thighs. Itching to grab something to punch something, to _move_. There was a coil tightening in her core and it was ready to spring loose.

“What do you know?” Cassian’s voice wasn’t as loud as before, but it filled the air around them nonetheless. “We don’t all have the luxury of deciding when and where we want to care about something. Suddenly the Rebellion is real for you?” He took a step closer and her fingers curled into fists at her side. She felt the slick, sweaty skin of her palms tingle as the pads of her fingers pressed against them.

“Some of us live it. I’ve been in this fight since I was _six_ years old. You’re not the only one who lost everything.” He stopped then. A pause while his eyes roamed up and down, burning her face as they went. “Some of us just decided to do something about it.”

Her arms snapped forward at that, knocking into him and he stumbled backwards, the backs of his shoulders knocking against the wall. It was instinct, one she probably should work on figuring out, but once she stepped forward into his space, she didn’t know what her next move was.

She couldn’t yell anymore, it was all gone. Her stomach was in knots that kept tightening and retying every time she looked at him and she just wanted it to go away. She could feel the anger bubbling up again, mixed with something new as she watched his eyes lock onto her.

Cassian didn’t step aside, he didn’t move away from her. He stood and he waited, and she wondered if he just wanted to know what she would do next. The back of her neck prickled at that, like he was just sitting there waiting for another reason to pity her, another thing that would shrink her.

A crumbled planet, wiped clean of memories.  Saw gone with it. A traitor father with blood on his hands never washed off. A liar for a captain.

 _He wasn’t good enough to make that list_ , she forced herself to think angrily. Her hand was twisted into the fabric of his shirt, her fist pressed hard into his chest. Suddenly she could hear how heavy her own breathing was. Suddenly it was all she could hear.

In and out. In and out.

Cassian’s eyes watched the breaths leave her one by one, watched as she swallowed for more, her chest practically heaving with the effort and she kept her eyes locked on his.

In and out. A rhythm she didn’t care about, one she didn’t want to hear. It blocked everything else out and she couldn’t think. But the longer he waited, the longer he watched her, the louder it got.

She pressed forward to silence it all, crashing the lips he’d just been watching against his own. She wasn’t sure if she’d been hungry before, if she’d realized there was another kind. But the thrumming stilled as she pressed into him and she let herself forget for just a moment why their clothes were slicked with rain, why he took so long to grab her back.

Because the twitching in her hand had stopped and the rhythm of her too loud breaths had gone away, and she was doing something. Moving and feeling and letting the heat roll over her in waves, no matter where it came from.

His hands gripped at her hips, curling into the fabric there, and didn’t move. No matter how she pressed against him, no matter what step forward she took, his hands were planted, tight at her sides. Unmoving as they pushed ever harder into her.

She was locked in and she pressed harder into him, nipping at his lip with her teeth. She could feel his breath, coming in bursts from his nose onto her skin and she pulled him tighter against her chest.

It was too much.

Too hot for a moment, followed by a thick blanket of cold, seeping down into her bones. Then over again. She could feel everything all at once, each point where their bodies touched, then nothing but the air pressing in around them. One moment she could hear his breaths as they puffed out against her, the next it was like they’d been blown into space and all the air, the heat, and the noise had gone.

He was moving against her though, hard as she moved against him, and soft in a way that sent a nervous ripple down her spine. His hands flattened from fists, palms resting against her side before they gripped harder. Strong fingers pushing into her, shoving further and further up.

Jyn pulled away quickly, looking only at how red and swollen his lips were, before stepping back. She kept her eyes down, brushing her forearm across her brow, wiping away the beads of cold sweat that had started to gather there. She heard an awkward cough behind her where Bodhi stood.

Her heart was racing again, her pulse pounding below her skin once more. As she stepped away from Cassian fully, avoiding his eye, she shook her hands out at her sides.

It didn’t change anything. She repeated it in her head. She looked at him quickly, his own eyes watching her but she couldn’t make out his expression.

Her clothes were still soaked through. She glanced around at the rest of them, at Bodhi and Chirrut and Baze. Bodhi’s eyes were locked on the ground, his hands tight in fists at his sides. Baze looked on at Cassian. Only Chirrut seemed to be focused on her.

It unnerved her more than her own instincts, and suddenly she couldn’t wait to get back on Yavin IV.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr @ofhobbitsandwomen


End file.
